Day 2

I'm still alive! Which, given that I decided to go to the gym tonight, was not even remotely a guarantee. But I did it, I had a good day of eating, I did a really great hour+ workout. I'm feeling really good at about this! I did not expect to feel this good, granted I'm only 48 hours into this battle, and I haven't even slept off the workout. I can only imagine the soreness I will undoubtedly feel tomorrow. But for right now, I'm riding this endorphin high as long and hard as I can.

In my early 20's I took up jogging, and I loved it; once I build up my stamina, I loved running the roughly 3 miles around my old bus route (why yes, I did still live at home with my parents, because Massachusetts rent is ridonkulis.) But when I was 24, I lost my Auntie Di, who was just my favorite person in the whole world, to Ovarian Cancer, and then 2 months after that, I moved to Virginia to go to grad school. So let me tell you, the grief was REAL, and suddenly I was eating my feelings like I'd been doing it for years. No training wheels required. Plus, I just didn't have the drive to run anymore, it was a combination of that grief and just not knowing or feeling comfortable enough to be out and about alone in my new VA neighborhood. So just like that, I stopped cold turkey, after running a 10K race in July of that year. It was the longest race I've ever run, still to this day.

As a disclaimer, I say "jogging" and "running" but I bet most people out there could have (and definitely still could) walk faster than I was moving. I could go for miles, but there weren't any land speed records being broken. Second disclaimer, I'm (clearly) not a small girl, but I also have NEVER been a small girl. When I was running miles almost every day, I was still about 200lbs, I like to think this is courtesy of my Dad's gene pool. Even for all of the weight I had, I was never an emotional eater. I ate mostly because I was bored and in front of the TV, and as a child who loved reading, I was incredibly sedentary. But I remember the night before we lost Di, being up in her apartment in South Boston, and there was just so much food around (because we all know when someone is ill, people send food), and at one point, I stood up I announced to the room, which was just a couple of my cousins, that it was time for me to start eating my feelings, and from that cupcake on, I haven't stopped. So those 3-4 years when I was running was the healthiest and the smallest I'd been since I was really young, and I fucked it up in a big way.

All this is to say, that this whole getting back on the wagon bit is going to be so hard for me. There is such an emotional component, that I'm sure my therapist is going to love hearing about tomorrow. So today, as I get ready for bed after a great day of eating, and a fantastic workout, I'm going to be grateful that it wasn't as hard as I've been dreading. I know those days will arrive, sooner rather than later, but hopefully the endorphin train will be here to meet them when it does.

What about you, dear reader? Any emotional eaters or people who's track was derailed by grief? Any people riding the workout/endorphin high too?

Good Night Lovies!